March 2, 2018

The Grief of Losing Him….

No one tells you how much the teen years will hurt your heart

They grow up so fast….

Simplistic words that seem so futile when you’re up to your elbows in a shit filled nappy, or when your eyes are glazing over as they describe their latest Minecraft creation. When the days are long and the nights, at times even longer, it is tempting to look ahead to when it will be “easier”.

When they can feed themselves, wipe their own butts and you’re no longer required to push them on the swing. When they’re able to make you coffee (or tea) and you can get them to do chores…those times seem like utopia, like you’ll finally have “made it”.

My baby just turned 15….
The first of three boys, he and I have always been close. Two peas in a pod and all that, our relationship is generally one of ease; we just get each other.
Three months ago, I had a child that would lean into me. He would sit on me jokingly and refuse to get off until I cuddled him. We could talk about anything and his room was used for nothing more than sleep and playing his Playstation.

My baby just turned 15….
And he changed. He stopped leaning and now has secrets. His cuddles have become half-hearted punctuations in my day. And he now placates me by standing still long enough for me to wrap my arms around him.

My baby just turned 15….
He is independent and no longer seeks my counsel, let alone my opinion on matters of importance to him. His bedroom is now a haven where we attempt to pry him from when it’s “family time”, and there are suddenly girls everywhere in his life.

My baby just turned 15…. And he now has a job, friends I don’t know so well and he laughs with this half manly, half “my-voice-is-still-breaking” sound. His priority list is no longer my priority list, and I find myself more and more, needing to step into a space of trusting his judgement.

My baby just turned 15….
At times the house seems empty without his presence and sometimes it is overflowing with the extra bodies that he has attracted into his life. When I go into his room, he now asks me to leave and he suddenly has hair everywhere.

My baby just turned 15….
And he now has a job, friends I don’t know so well and he laughs with this half manly, half “my-voice-is-still-breaking” sound. His priority list is no longer my priority list, and I find myself more and more, needing to step into a space of trusting his judgement.

My baby just turned 15… and the grief is often palpable.
Change is inevitable, we all know that but it doesn’t make it any easier. His growing up, is an immense source of pride and joy. I love seeing him with his friends, the wonderful wings of independence that he has grown.

But I miss the boy he once was. We are now coming into a time where I must trust the work his father and I have done in raising this soon-to-be-man. Where we must have faith in his ability to do the right thing and listen to his intuition. We are in uncharted waters, and no one told us about this part. The books and the blogs don’t seem to tell you what to do when they begin to come into their own.

For the record, his father seems to be much better prepared, emotionally for where we are. Like some innate remembering of himself at that age, he senses where our son is and what he needs; and he doesn’t take it as personally as I find myself doing.

My baby just turned 15….
The other night he was at a sleepover and texted me saying “Good night mum” and when he came home, I was the first one to whom he came and said “Hello” ….and then he leaned, ever so slightly into me.

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